For the past seven years, I have served as the senior advisor for the National Millennial & Gen Z Community, a student-led group representing over 40 states and several foreign countries. Throughout the course of my advisement, I have chaperoned 32 field trips meeting dozens of college students and young professionals under 30. My conversations with young adults have shifted my views on mental health and how older adults can help.
Young adults, who value transparency, authenticity, and a willingness to share their experiences, helped me recognize my own biases on mental health impeded my ability to process real-life challenges young adults face.
Over the past few years, I had an opportunity to witness young adults interacting with others as they navigated a return to subjects. As you read through these actual events, consider how you might respond.
During a field trip to Northern California, a group of young adults joined me for dinner. Stephanie looked at me and asked: “Why are there so many forks and spoons?” As I explained how to use each fork and spoon for our five-course meal, I saw the stress rising on Stephanie’s face. I stopped for a moment and asked how she was feeling. “Not good,” she replied. “I don’t feel I deserve to be here.” Stephanie got up from her chair a few minutes later and dashed out the restaurant door. My colleague found her in the restroom, where Stephanie said she needed a moment to regain her composure. But when we went to check on her again, she was gone. She decided to leave without telling anyone.
A few hours later, we found Stephanie alone in the hotel bar having a drink. Stephanie said she was overwhelmed by the fancy restaurant, the abundance of food, the place settings, and the sounds of happy people talking all around her. She needed to escape and used a ride service to take herself back to the hotel. We spent the next hour talking at the bar. This was the first time I experienced this reaction from a college student.
Yasmine, a graduate student from a well-known university in the Northeast, participated in a student orientation I hosted for an upcoming field trip. During the meeting, my colleagues and I discussed the goals and objectives of the trip. We also covered meeting etiquette, which included a rule that all mobile devices must remain off and stored away during our conversations with corporate and agency executives. Everyone attending the orientation agreed to these basic rules. Many of the students in attendance were nervous about travel because it was one of the first planned field trips as the pandemic started to ease.
If we wish to be helpful, we must consider our biases and state of mind as we work to understand mental health fully. I have learned that it is no longer appropriate or helpful to address the struggles of others by saying things such as, “You’re going through a phase,” “Toughen up and confront your problems head-on,” and “Don’t worry, things will be better next week.” These responses often have the opposite effect, placing the onus solely on the person struggling to cope.
When the meeting with prominent executives convened, my colleague noticed Yasmine texting on her mobile device. Slightly annoyed by Yasmine’s disregard for our basic rules, my colleague politely reminded her to put her mobile device away. Yasmine clutched her cell phone closer to her chest as her facial expressions displayed a mix of confusion and anger. My colleague appeared equally confused and said to me: “I don’t even know how to deal with this behavior.” After our meeting, I pulled Yasmine aside to talk privately with her about the incident. Yasmine responded, “I cannot put my cell phone down. It gives me comfort and security, and I need to hold it.” Less than an hour later, she told me she might need to check into a hospital. Jasmine added, “I’m having a mental breakdown and I am having trouble coping with my condition.”
I wasn’t sure how to react to this except to let her share her feelings.
Javier was a student from a large urban campus. He attended every event donning a bespoke suit and tie. Javier always seemed prepared and spoke with ease and confidence. During a dinner meeting with executives from several small-to-mid-sized firms, he leaned in and asked excellent questions, impressing his peers and advisers. As we began to wrap up a busy day of meetings and discussions, I ran into him sobbing in the restroom. When I said, “Talk to me about what’s going on,” he responded: “I’m completely overwhelmed. I need a moment.” Several hours later, Javier spoke with me in our hotel lobby. He said he felt alone in his large, multi-generational home and thought about committing suicide. I was devastated to hear him mention suicide. During the next few days, several students stepped forward, revealing they had thought about suicide several times during the height of the pandemic. And several more said a return to campus had not eased the stress and pain they felt.
Cohorts of young adults aged 18 to 28 have expressed themselves openly about the challenges they face at home and as they return to school or their places of employment. But I wonder: Are older adults prepared to have difficult conversations as more young adults return to class or enter the workforce? I have a hunch the answer is somewhere in between yes and no.
If we wish to be helpful, we must consider our biases and state of mind as we work to understand mental health fully. I have learned that it is no longer appropriate or helpful to address the struggles of others by saying things such as, “You’re going through a phase,” “Toughen up and con- front your problems head-on,” and “Don’t worry, things will be better next week.” These responses often have the opposite effect, placing the onus solely on the person struggling to cope.
While empathy is essential for the well being of others, we must learn additional ways to support young adults as they deal with the uncertainties ahead. Every community, employer, and school should require workshops, courses, and discussion groups focusing on mental health and well-being, just as there are mandatory drills for school safety and time set aside for lunch breaks and vacations. The mental health of others is vital to our well-being. Being ready to help others will also help us.